I first contacted Turn to Starboard in March 2022 on the advice of the NHS Veterans TILS team.  I had just been discharged from a long hospital admission and was too unwell to work.  Surviving took up all my energy and I struggled with suicidal thoughts, a lack of purpose and no hope for the future. 

I think it took me about a week to have the courage to send an email to Helen.  I was overwhelmed with shame, both due to my situation and condition as well as worrying about being back in an environment which could be triggering, purely due to being surrounded by military and ex-military personnel.  I think that deep down I also thought they’d say I was too unwell for them to let me get involved as at the time I believed I was never going to be OK. Helen was very matter of fact and reassuring about it all; with experience I now know that my nervous first contact is something that she deals with day in and day out, and always has workarounds to facilitate individual needs.  

I found myself two weeks later sat in my car outside the office, deliberating about going through the door to do the training for the Tudor Run.  As I reflect now, it was the single most important pivot point in my recovery journey.

There was tea and cake (seemingly always available at T2S) and cheerful groups of people hugging and catching up with each other.  I nearly bolted, but within minutes was almost in the middle of it being pulled into excited conversations about getting onto the water. These people have now become my tribe; a group who have forced me to reconnect and who talk openly and kindly about the most difficult of subjects.  Shame has always fuelled my PTSD and being able to speak about these shared experiences has made me feel less alone inside my head. I no longer was or am the only one going through any of this. 

It is inconceivable to look at a photo of myself from then and believe it could be the same person.  My hollow eyes and blank expression have been switched out for a happy and healthy face, and I have a nervous system which is finally calming down after more than a decade of being in a heightened state. Through sailing I have discovered the powerful impact of being on the water, of reconnecting and getting back into a pattern of life / routine. Most importantly of all I have a sense of purpose.

In the eighteen months since I first contacted T2S, I have sailed more than 2500 miles and qualified as an RYA Yachtmaster. I have also started to volunteer as a skipper to contribute towards the ongoing facilitation of what is a very special safe space for veterans, one that has been fundamentally life saving for me. I am especially keen to help more woman veterans to cross the threshold of the charity and am involved in targeted outreach and woman only sailing weeks.