I joined the Army in 1977 as a Driver and went on to be a Physical Training Instructor.  I was forced to leave in 1981 due to the since rescinded ban on LGBT personnel in the Armed Forces. During my time serving I was subjected to horrific harassment and bullying purely because of who I was.

I had planned for the long haul, a full 22 year career in the military, but it was cut abruptly short and I was flung back out into the world.  I was discharged as Services No Longer Required, which the civilian world understood as my being thrown out for having done something wrong or been involved in a crime.  I not only lost the career I loved but also my friends and accommodation. My whole way of life.  I was given no post service support and nobody wanted to employ me; it was a dire situation and a very lonely place to be. 

I managed to get a temporary security job for a year until I was able to arrange to train as a physiotherapist.   I always felt that I needed to hide and live a kind of double life.  It was difficult to understand and accept my own sexuality as I had been made to feel it was so wrong and had been punished for who I was.  My life was very much working on maintaining a strong external wall with an inner struggle behind, and looking back I can see the clear symptoms of PTSD.

At the age of 31 my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I became a full time carer for her.  After her death my life fell apart; I was trying to work but was heavily drinking and taking drugs, and struggling with self harm.  I was subsequently admitted to an alcohol rehabilitation programme on two separate occasions. However due to my internal shame I could not reveal my true past and reasons for my addiction so continued a downward spiral. I became suicidal and to the fact I worked in the NHS and the stigma of having a mental illness, I had to be sent to an out of area facility under another Trust.  Again, it felt like I was being hidden away for who I was, and after my discharge I lost my job.

I basically lived out of a rucksack for the next eight years, with multiple admissions to psychiatric hospitals and other support facilities.  That whole period of time is a blur to me, just a mess of feeling like I couldn’t cope, and becoming steadily institutionalised. My partner at the time became increasingly abusive towards me and it was difficult to see a way out. I was too scared to live on my own and for the next seventeen years I moved into a residence for people with enduring mental health difficulties.

Three years ago I saw a Sky News interview with a woman veteran on the #metoo campaign and it made me feel connected to something. Up until then I had not been in touch with any charities as I couldn’t identify as a Veteran due to being thrown out. I contacted them and it was the first time I had ever told anyone that story. Now things are very different.  I have marched on Remembrance Parade at the Cenotaph with Fighting With Pride, three times.  I have also connected with a woman only charity called Salute Her and been involved with lots of positive and helpful endeavours.

Another Veteran told me about Turn To Starboard.  I’ve always loved the sea and as a child longed to be able to sail.  I rang up and spoke to Helen and that was it.  I’ve organised a trip on Spirit of Falmouth with some friends from Fighting With Pride and have also sailed on an all woman week on Angel.  I’m now booked to do my Competent Crew early next year, and basically want to sail as much as is possible and am so grateful for the opportunity to do so.